overwhelmed and under appreciated

Too much has happened since i last updated, but needless to say same stuff different day. We just found out that my husband has a weak heart and needs to have a double maybe triple bypass to repair the damaged valve, he also has massive cholostorol around 600. docs are suprised he is still breathing at this point. now he is mad i have him on an oatmeal and eggwhite diet with a few fish oil pills on the side. oh well let him be mad, as long as he is alive long enough to be mad, im happy. and as we all know a happy mom leads to a happy home. lol. im working now. not as many hours as i would like, but it is still a job. wish it was something i liked to do, but running a register at best buy still beats living in a box and eating from the trash. kids are doing good. jojo is excelling in school, kaia is going to need glasses, gabe has to see a speech therapist, and my little miracle baby xavier has already overcome so many obstacles he deserves a break. but he is doing well. for a baby born so close to death you would never know it to look art him. he smiles and has started cooing now. and is trying to hold his own bottle. docs have given him a semi clean bill of health.well i have to go and get ready for work, but ill get back on soon and update. best wishes from moe

so far so good. but yesterday was difficult. my youngest son has colic, so he cried most of the day. and the other two kids were wired for some reason, but it was alright. i put them in their play room, and took them outside. plus i had alot of help from my sister tara. so i managed. i also caught up all the laundry got almost all my chores done. this domestic life really isnt what i wanted to do with my life, but i really dont think i would change any of it for anything in the world.my husband. got temporary custody of his 16 yr old, which is fine, she helps me when i ask, but i cant wait for school to start. maybe then things will be a little easier for me during the day. sometimes i feel overwhelmed, but i remember that these are choices i have made, and thereby have to live with. things will get btter every day. this i know. ill write more tomorrow.

the begining of a whole new day

i promised someone very close to me once that i would try and update everyday about how things are going in my life. so im going to try very hard to do just that. so here goes nothing i h=guess.....
it is early morning right now, and all the kids are awake except my 6 week old son. the children are eating, and i stepped outside, and for some reason although it didnot rain last night there was a small rainbow outside. i couldnt help buit feel that it means things are going to get better now for everyone i love. i like to think it was a sign from my mom and my aunt millie letting me know to stay strong, and always follow "the straight and narrow path". im trying very hard to do just that. i love my life, although i miss my 4 children in florida very much, and if you read my previous blogs you know the situation there.my husband is getting ready to leave for work, and i will be home all day with the kids including his 16 yr old daughter.she is a sweet girl who grew up with her mom, in a home with no guidance. so it will take alot of work on me and robs part to try and turn her around. it seems like although everyday is a new struggle, everyday is also a chance at a new begining, and as the wind brushes my cheek, i feel more alive then i have in a while. my heart is lightened by the knowledge that my children are healthy and that im not alone in my struggle. robbie is a great support although i seem to find reasons to complain about him sometmes. he is a good guy, with a good heart, and a great head on his shoulders. things are looking up. and all i can really say at this point is thatnk god for all the joys and blessings in my life. and thank god im here another day to enjoy them. have a blessed day guys and gals and ill be back later or tomorrow. enjoy your day, and remember to hold those you love close to your heart even if they are miles away fm you right now.

hectic

i havent written in quite a while, sorry, things have been so cahotic here it isnt even funny. general recap, got married had 3 kids with my husband robbie, the youngest is currently 6 weeks old, and doing well. better then he was at birth. he was born with a rare blood clotting disorder known as factor 5 malformation. the docs didnt think he would make it, but he did. thank goodness. my aunt millie dided just a few months ago, the middle of june actually. she raised me since i was just a little baby. i miss her everyday. my heart aches all the time for everyone and everything i have ever lost in my life. including but not limited to my mom, my children, my aunt millie and the life i once had in fla. i dont miss my ex, just the life there, u know, friends, work, attractions, and the freedom of being single and unattached. this domestic life scares me. i feel like im losing myself alittle more everyday. i am now defined by how good of a mom, and wife i can be as opposed to how good of a person i actually am.
as i sit here in the warmth of the sun, enjoying a quite cup of coffee, i cant help but think how different my life would have been if i had made better choices as a teen, and then as a young mom. I mean i wouldnt trade my husband in or my children for anything in the world, but i would however feel the need to change a few things. finish college, get a great job, maybe aise my kids a little diffrently then i am now. they have everything they need even though at times its a struggle. but my heart and mind are at odds constenetly trying to figure out which is more important, love of family, or love of others. should you always respect adults even when they can be mean sometimes? do u worry about cleaning yourhome before you socialize? maybe my own priorities are too out of control to be leading my family. i feel like a constant let down to those around me on so many levels and for so many reasons. i dont really speak to my own bio-family because of the hurt they have caused me, including molestation by my uncle as a child. and i would never allow that man around my children, but is it right of me to completly cut everyone out, just because they dont belive the tales i have shouted from the roof top about him?my only stress release is cleaning, im passionate about it, and im good at it, but lately i spend more time cleaning then i do p[laying with my kids. what kind of mom does that make me. my kids have a beautiful , neat, spotless house to grow up healthy and safe in, but is that really a replacement for quality time with me? i struggle with dividing my time with all three of them, and to top it off my husband just got custody of his 16 yr old daughter, who grew up in her moms care, but her mom was never really there for her. so now he looks to me for guidence, but i dont see how its fair that i care and guide for her, when my oldest daughter is in the foster care system without me. YES there is a little bit of resentment towards my husband on that point. he finally got his daughter back after a long and arduious struggle, and my children are still without me.he wants me to be there for his child, but im not even there for mine. the whole situation sux. if anyone reading this has any thoughts or info, it would be appreciated

life really is nothing more then agravation most of the time isnt it?

Robert( my husband) and i have been living with my sister for something close like 8 months, and everyday it is another form of drama. she has 3 kids 15, 14 and 11, and each of them have more issues then she is willing to deal with. she jumps from guy to guy looking for anyone that would be willing to keep her from being alone, and in the meantime her children suffer. her eldest, is so screwed up in the head, and is in such a need for any form of attention from anyone, she has taken to making up separate personalities. i caught her looking up the symptoms of PT SD and multiple personality disorder online. her mother took her to the shrink, and low and behold she is now documented as having 5 different personalities including a British woman named Elizabeth, who doesn't even know how to speak in a British accent,. although the fake one she uses comes close. it ridiculous. her middle son, has a temper on him that is so out of control she finally took him to a psych hospital and had him committed. but she still doesn't realize her kids have issues....i try and support her every decision, but it is just getting too much now, and my marriage and my relationship with my own daughter is starting to suffer....i have no idea how to get out of this situation, with out causing harm to a friendship that has lasted pretty much my entire lifetime....................

tired, aggravated, guilty

i know i havent really written in a while, and sry to anyoine that is keeping track. things are pretty well hectic in my life at this point. i have a beautiful 1 yr old daughter with my husband, and we are 5 months along in our pregnancy with our son. we are living with my sister and her 3 undisaplined children, and to make it more of an emotional rollercoaster, my dad and his new girlfriend are staying here with us for a week. i dont like his new fling, and i still say it is too soon after my mom for him to be so serious about anyone, but i guess it is his life, and his mistake. she has turned him into a totally different man, and in many ways not for the better. She is only like 25 years old against his 43, and although my mom was 10 yrs older then him, they fit togather better. this chick is just so...................i dont even know the words, and i like to think of myself as a fairly wellrounded, articulate female. i may only be 29 but i know 8 months is not a long enough mourning period to get over a marriage of almost 22 years. this woman doesnt work, and pretty much does nothing., they got here yesterday afternoon, and all she does is sleep. I mean i sleep alot aswell, the difference is i am 5 mionths pregnant, the mother of a very active 1 yr old, as well as a housewife, i clean and cook , and tend to my husband and his many needs, as well as helping my sister fight and tend to her 3 teenage children. im not saying i am better then her, i am saying that my father isnt the brightest bulb in the box, and he proved as much when he decided on this female to spend his time with. they have been togaether 8 months, the woman now shares,my mothers bed with him, not to mention her house. and all she does in return is cleanup alil bit. definitly not someone i would have chosen for my worst enemy, not to mention my father.I dont know, maybe im wrong, or maybe i just expected more intellect on my fathers part. but i definitly didnt expect him to get so involved with anyone less then a year after we pulled the plug on moms ventilator. he cries all the time for her, and he is always thinking of mommy and talking about her, and not often do you hear him say anything great abolut his new chick, other then she is a good girl, we eat out alot, but she is sweet. which means nothing too me. i dont care if she is a retired nun,. she shouldnt be in my mothers house, sharing my mothers bed, with my mothers husband.i dont know , maybe im just being petty, or 9childish, but i know for a fact from my fatehrs own mouth, this new girl, is not going to ever have the same kind of love he had/has for mom.............................................

All about me!!!!!

All about me!!!!!

1. Do you like blue cheese? ewwww not really, my husband does though

2. Have you ever smoked? yes and i kinda still do, but not much

3. Do you own a gun? no, not since my sister was shot and killed

4. What flavor of Kool Aid was your favorite?red

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? Yup, mainly cause everytime i go they tell me i am having a baby, or something else is "wrong"

6. What do you think of hot dogs? they are fine once in a while

7. Favorite Christmas movie?scrooged, the preachers wife

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Coffee, always coffee...lol

9. Can you do push ups?yeah a few

10. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? my studded labret ring

11. Favorite hobby? sewing, playing with my daughter, and playing on my oversized video game(computer) used to like to cook, but i have noone to cook for other then my hubby and that leads to a fight(he thinks he is a chef.....HAHAHA)

12. Do you have A.D.D.?no i dont ......i can do u one better I have A.D.H.D

13. What's one trait you hate about yourself? i think i am too opinionated, and open minded.

14. Middle name? malia

15. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment?my head hurts, i have heartburn and im actually getting tired!!!

16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? water and coffeeX2

17. Current worry? tomorrow

18. Current hate right now?this stupid headache and my stupid computer

19. What do you wish for in the coming year?absolution of anykind, and a few other things, but i cant say or they wont come true

20. How did you bring in the New Year? kissed my hubby and went back to sleep.....lol

21. Where would you like to go? back to FLA

22. Three people who will complete this? i have no idea really....lol

23. Do you own slippers?yes and no, i have slippers, but i really dont wear them i usually wear my flippys around the house

24. What color shirt are you wearing right now? orange

25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? oh yeah so comfy

26. Can you whistle?yeah kinda

27. Favorite color?pink, and red

28. Red or white wine? neither i hate wine, i am a whiskey kinda gurl...lol

29. What songs do you sing in the shower? i dont sing in the shower really, i usually sing in the car

30. Favorite girl's name? kaia, nani, moana, heather naomi

31. Favorite boy's name? anthony, christopher alexander, desalin

32. What's in your pocket right now? i dont have pockets, i am in my night gown

33. Last thing that made you laugh?my hubby

34. Best bed sheets as a child?fraggle rock....lol, oh my god i feel totally old now.....hahahaha

35. Worst injury you've ever had as a child? i dont remember having any injuries, i mean i had stitches once, but it wasnt bad

36. Do you love the place that you live? yup

37. Do you walk around the house naked? nope, wouldnt wanna give the kids and family nightmares....lol

38. Who is your loudest friend? TARA

39. How many pets do you have? 1 kitty in house

40. Does someone have a crush on you? i hope so, i married him

41. What is your favorite book? No way can I pick just one! dont know right now too early in the am and i havent been asleep yet

42. What is your favorite candy? the dove candy bars .... SOOOOOOO GOOOOOOOD!!!!

43. Favorite Sports Team? dont like sports, that is hubbys dept.

44. What song(s) do you want played at your funeral?a song for mamma(boyz 2 men) and a few people will think i am crazy for even mentioning