i have no idea what to name this....lol

well, lets see, where to start?? today was rather difficult you can say. my fiance and i are staying with family untill our move to new york, and this woman can be so hard to handle sometimes. like today she cut the power to our bedroom, just because she thinks i am spending too much time in my bedroom playing with my daughter. my little girl has got to be the cutest little thing, and she has such a sweet smile, but unfortunitly she also has colic, which is hard. so i spend most of my time comforting her, and rocking her. she cries soooo much, it gets frustrating sometimes.all the time i feel so out of place, and so helpless. plus i still miss my mom. she hasnt been dead long a little under a month, and i still expect a phone call from her laughing at everyone. my mom was a character. she definitly had her own style. since her death, my dad wont really talk to me, and the rest of his side of the family have pretty much dropped all communication. i wonder if mom knows what her death has done. you think its true she is looking down on us and wishing she was here? i regret her never meeting my daughter. i was having my daughter when mom got really sick, and was still in the hospital recovering from the birth while she was in the same hospital one wing over and one floor up, slipping into a coma that she would never wake up from. how could a person deal with that. i wish they had a chance to meet, my mother and my daughter i mean. i miss you mommy!

the end of a life, the begining of something new

well i have some bad news, but some good news as well. My mother passed away about 2 weeks ago. Its been weird. i still kinda expect to hear her answer the phone when ever i call over to my dads house. he is taking about as well as anyone can i guess. but they say time makes it easier. lets just wait and see. on a better note, i have been talking to my daughter again. my children were taken from me about 2 years ago, due to a situation which i could not control, but the family that is adopting my little girl is allowing us to talk on the phone and through email, which is really great of her. well i will write more soon , thanks for reading..

Is new always better?

well i received a phone call just a day or so ago, from my adoptive mother in New York. Her health is failing her, and she begged me to come home to help her. I talked it over with my fiance, and we have decided to make the move, but i am still unsure.. I would love nothing more then to see her again, seeing as she is my mother, and she raised me, and has always looked out for me, but at the same time, other then my mother there isnt anything in new york for me anymore.I have so much here in florida. friends, family, a life. i really dont know if starting over is going to be a good thing for me, or my fiance, or the baby i am carrying. Here in florida i have very good friends, that i wont be able to see when i want , and family that i am close too,I am used to my life here, and i fear that the change of a move might be damaging to my realationship. but at the same time, if i dont make the move, and something happens to my mother, i know in my heart i would never be able to forgive myself.

unsure,how will it end?

well this is a first for me, so please try and bare with me. my spelling sucks, and i have a tendency to ramble. to begin with, i am a 27 yr old mother of 4 children and almost 9 months pregnant with my fifth. i have alot of interests, but i also have alot of fears, and doubts as well. i have been with my fiance for almost a year and a half now, and although i am happy with him, i am unhappy with the life we share. does that make any sense? since i have become prgnant, i have been medically unable to consumate anything with him, and he and i have decided to allow other women into our realationship. i am fine with this, so long as a fwew guidelines are followed. up till now all have been respected. of late, i have been feeling more and more uncomfortable with what he is doing, and who he is doing it with, i just dont know how to approach the subject with him. i am afraid that if i dont comtinue to allow things to carry on as they are, i will loose the man i am wanting to marry, and my child will lose her father. and seeing as the "other woman" is a very close friend of mine, i am afraid i will lose a friend as well. if anyone has any advice how to let my feelings be known with out hurting anyone, i will take any and all advice, nomatter how small it may seem. thanx