overwhelmed and under appreciated

Too much has happened since i last updated, but needless to say same stuff different day. We just found out that my husband has a weak heart and needs to have a double maybe triple bypass to repair the damaged valve, he also has massive cholostorol around 600. docs are suprised he is still breathing at this point. now he is mad i have him on an oatmeal and eggwhite diet with a few fish oil pills on the side. oh well let him be mad, as long as he is alive long enough to be mad, im happy. and as we all know a happy mom leads to a happy home. lol. im working now. not as many hours as i would like, but it is still a job. wish it was something i liked to do, but running a register at best buy still beats living in a box and eating from the trash. kids are doing good. jojo is excelling in school, kaia is going to need glasses, gabe has to see a speech therapist, and my little miracle baby xavier has already overcome so many obstacles he deserves a break. but he is doing well. for a baby born so close to death you would never know it to look art him. he smiles and has started cooing now. and is trying to hold his own bottle. docs have given him a semi clean bill of health.well i have to go and get ready for work, but ill get back on soon and update. best wishes from moe

so far so good. but yesterday was difficult. my youngest son has colic, so he cried most of the day. and the other two kids were wired for some reason, but it was alright. i put them in their play room, and took them outside. plus i had alot of help from my sister tara. so i managed. i also caught up all the laundry got almost all my chores done. this domestic life really isnt what i wanted to do with my life, but i really dont think i would change any of it for anything in the world.my husband. got temporary custody of his 16 yr old, which is fine, she helps me when i ask, but i cant wait for school to start. maybe then things will be a little easier for me during the day. sometimes i feel overwhelmed, but i remember that these are choices i have made, and thereby have to live with. things will get btter every day. this i know. ill write more tomorrow.

the begining of a whole new day

i promised someone very close to me once that i would try and update everyday about how things are going in my life. so im going to try very hard to do just that. so here goes nothing i h=guess.....
it is early morning right now, and all the kids are awake except my 6 week old son. the children are eating, and i stepped outside, and for some reason although it didnot rain last night there was a small rainbow outside. i couldnt help buit feel that it means things are going to get better now for everyone i love. i like to think it was a sign from my mom and my aunt millie letting me know to stay strong, and always follow "the straight and narrow path". im trying very hard to do just that. i love my life, although i miss my 4 children in florida very much, and if you read my previous blogs you know the situation there.my husband is getting ready to leave for work, and i will be home all day with the kids including his 16 yr old daughter.she is a sweet girl who grew up with her mom, in a home with no guidance. so it will take alot of work on me and robs part to try and turn her around. it seems like although everyday is a new struggle, everyday is also a chance at a new begining, and as the wind brushes my cheek, i feel more alive then i have in a while. my heart is lightened by the knowledge that my children are healthy and that im not alone in my struggle. robbie is a great support although i seem to find reasons to complain about him sometmes. he is a good guy, with a good heart, and a great head on his shoulders. things are looking up. and all i can really say at this point is thatnk god for all the joys and blessings in my life. and thank god im here another day to enjoy them. have a blessed day guys and gals and ill be back later or tomorrow. enjoy your day, and remember to hold those you love close to your heart even if they are miles away fm you right now.

hectic

i havent written in quite a while, sorry, things have been so cahotic here it isnt even funny. general recap, got married had 3 kids with my husband robbie, the youngest is currently 6 weeks old, and doing well. better then he was at birth. he was born with a rare blood clotting disorder known as factor 5 malformation. the docs didnt think he would make it, but he did. thank goodness. my aunt millie dided just a few months ago, the middle of june actually. she raised me since i was just a little baby. i miss her everyday. my heart aches all the time for everyone and everything i have ever lost in my life. including but not limited to my mom, my children, my aunt millie and the life i once had in fla. i dont miss my ex, just the life there, u know, friends, work, attractions, and the freedom of being single and unattached. this domestic life scares me. i feel like im losing myself alittle more everyday. i am now defined by how good of a mom, and wife i can be as opposed to how good of a person i actually am.
as i sit here in the warmth of the sun, enjoying a quite cup of coffee, i cant help but think how different my life would have been if i had made better choices as a teen, and then as a young mom. I mean i wouldnt trade my husband in or my children for anything in the world, but i would however feel the need to change a few things. finish college, get a great job, maybe aise my kids a little diffrently then i am now. they have everything they need even though at times its a struggle. but my heart and mind are at odds constenetly trying to figure out which is more important, love of family, or love of others. should you always respect adults even when they can be mean sometimes? do u worry about cleaning yourhome before you socialize? maybe my own priorities are too out of control to be leading my family. i feel like a constant let down to those around me on so many levels and for so many reasons. i dont really speak to my own bio-family because of the hurt they have caused me, including molestation by my uncle as a child. and i would never allow that man around my children, but is it right of me to completly cut everyone out, just because they dont belive the tales i have shouted from the roof top about him?my only stress release is cleaning, im passionate about it, and im good at it, but lately i spend more time cleaning then i do p[laying with my kids. what kind of mom does that make me. my kids have a beautiful , neat, spotless house to grow up healthy and safe in, but is that really a replacement for quality time with me? i struggle with dividing my time with all three of them, and to top it off my husband just got custody of his 16 yr old daughter, who grew up in her moms care, but her mom was never really there for her. so now he looks to me for guidence, but i dont see how its fair that i care and guide for her, when my oldest daughter is in the foster care system without me. YES there is a little bit of resentment towards my husband on that point. he finally got his daughter back after a long and arduious struggle, and my children are still without me.he wants me to be there for his child, but im not even there for mine. the whole situation sux. if anyone reading this has any thoughts or info, it would be appreciated