hectic

i havent written in quite a while, sorry, things have been so cahotic here it isnt even funny. general recap, got married had 3 kids with my husband robbie, the youngest is currently 6 weeks old, and doing well. better then he was at birth. he was born with a rare blood clotting disorder known as factor 5 malformation. the docs didnt think he would make it, but he did. thank goodness. my aunt millie dided just a few months ago, the middle of june actually. she raised me since i was just a little baby. i miss her everyday. my heart aches all the time for everyone and everything i have ever lost in my life. including but not limited to my mom, my children, my aunt millie and the life i once had in fla. i dont miss my ex, just the life there, u know, friends, work, attractions, and the freedom of being single and unattached. this domestic life scares me. i feel like im losing myself alittle more everyday. i am now defined by how good of a mom, and wife i can be as opposed to how good of a person i actually am.
as i sit here in the warmth of the sun, enjoying a quite cup of coffee, i cant help but think how different my life would have been if i had made better choices as a teen, and then as a young mom. I mean i wouldnt trade my husband in or my children for anything in the world, but i would however feel the need to change a few things. finish college, get a great job, maybe aise my kids a little diffrently then i am now. they have everything they need even though at times its a struggle. but my heart and mind are at odds constenetly trying to figure out which is more important, love of family, or love of others. should you always respect adults even when they can be mean sometimes? do u worry about cleaning yourhome before you socialize? maybe my own priorities are too out of control to be leading my family. i feel like a constant let down to those around me on so many levels and for so many reasons. i dont really speak to my own bio-family because of the hurt they have caused me, including molestation by my uncle as a child. and i would never allow that man around my children, but is it right of me to completly cut everyone out, just because they dont belive the tales i have shouted from the roof top about him?my only stress release is cleaning, im passionate about it, and im good at it, but lately i spend more time cleaning then i do p[laying with my kids. what kind of mom does that make me. my kids have a beautiful , neat, spotless house to grow up healthy and safe in, but is that really a replacement for quality time with me? i struggle with dividing my time with all three of them, and to top it off my husband just got custody of his 16 yr old daughter, who grew up in her moms care, but her mom was never really there for her. so now he looks to me for guidence, but i dont see how its fair that i care and guide for her, when my oldest daughter is in the foster care system without me. YES there is a little bit of resentment towards my husband on that point. he finally got his daughter back after a long and arduious struggle, and my children are still without me.he wants me to be there for his child, but im not even there for mine. the whole situation sux. if anyone reading this has any thoughts or info, it would be appreciated